How to Effectively Co-Parent During a High-Conflict Separation or Divorce
Parenting is hard at every stage, but a co-parenting relationship can be especially tenuous during a high-conflict separation or divorce. During this time, it’s likely that you and the other parent aren’t on the same page. You also might be navigating the trenches of custody, infidelity, or other heated issues. There is no doubt that your children's well-being matters, but your emotional needs also matter during this time.
At Boreal Therapy Collective, we help individuals navigate challenging life transitions, including co-parenting, separation and divorce, breakups, boundary concerns, and other relational difficulties. If you're trying to engage in successful co-parenting, we’re here to help.
Considerations for Building Your Co-Parenting Relationship
For better or worse, even if both you want nothing to do with each other, separated parents remain connected through their children. No matter how you feel about your former spouse, they are a part of your child's life, and it's important that you consider their role in your own parenting style.
Here are some tips for managing any co-parenting situation, no matter how dire.
Establish Your Communication Boundaries
Many divorcing or separated parents find it best to keep their communication objective and logistical. Ideally, as much as possible, try to keep your conversations focused on the kids, whether that's talking about childcare needs or school events. Avoid talking about emotionally-charged, personal topics.
If your ex-spouse starts criticizing you, aim to stay neutral. Even though this can be hard (and you may feel the need to get defensive), strive to be mature. Reacting with hostility or defensiveness tends to exacerbate conflict. If you want to be a responsible co-parent, start by focusing on what you can control: your responses, attitude, and how you tend to your child's daily life.
Let Go of Having An Ideal Co-Parenting Relationship
In recent years, social media and other media sources have somewhat idealized co-parenting dynamics. While it's certainly possible to achieve a balanced style with your ex-partner, it's also important to be realistic with yourself. High-conflict relationships often lend a hand to drama and chaos when raising kids.
There's a chance that you might still feel aggravated or resentful toward the other parent, and you're allowed to have those feelings. The more you try to suppress them, the more intense they may actually become.
Instead, aim to focus on yourself and how you show up in your children's lives. Focus on being the parent you want to be. Even though you can't control what your ex is doing, you can model deeply caring about your children's feelings, needs, and safety.
Avoid Badmouthing Your Children's Other Parent
No matter how tempting it feels to criticize your ex-spouse's parenting style, try to resist this urge. It's unfair to put children in the middle or have them attempt to console your negative feelings. This type of behaviour can make them feel responsible for your well-being, but that can result in discomfort or resentment.
Even though you may feel angry with your former partner, co-parenting requires a sense of respect, particularly in front of your kids. If you do need to vent, that's what your adult personal relationships are for.
Your high-conflict ex might try to badmouth you and put your kids in the middle. Unfortunately, you can't control what other people do, but you can model critical thinking and maintain a sense of consistency, love, and connection with your children.
Lean Into Your Own Parenting Style
It's normal for one parent to try to act superior to another parent's parenting style. With that, it's also typical for children to try to pit their parents against one another, especially in the aftermath of a divorce. Your child, for example, might complain that their dad lets them stay up later or their mom buys them their favorite desserts.
Some parents try to overcompensate for their kids' well-being by giving them everything they ask. This often backfires. It's much better to be authentic and congruent with your parenting values. Children thrive with routine, so aim to be consistent with your approach (even if they occasionally disagree).
Document and Record (If Needed)
Your children's well-being is at the forefront of everything you do. Co-parenting during a high-conflict separation or divorce can call serious issues into question, including matters related to safety at the other parent's house and child support.
If your ex-partner is harassing you or engaging in questionable parenting practices, maintain clear records and stay as objective as possible. If there are witnesses, consider asking them to write down their experiences as well.
When in doubt, consult with your lawyer about the best documentation practices. They are there to help you navigate these particular types of nuanced parenting experiences.
Seek Family Therapy
Divorce can be one of the most stressful experiences a child can endure. With that, it's important for your children to have a safe place where they can process their feelings and needs without judgment.
Family therapy offers a collaborative environment to discuss changes, boundaries, and other transitional stressors. This allows you to all be on the same page. It also can give you perspective into what your child needs from you in terms of your own parenting.
Supportive Therapy After Separation or Divorce
Managing a co-parenting plan can be challenging, especially if you and the other parent are on contentious terms. For better or worse, you need a strategy to protect your emotional well-being and look after your children.
Therapy can offer you a supportive space to explore your feelings and receive a sense of unconditional support. You and your therapist will talk about your parenting goals and establish a treatment plan intended to help you feel more empowered with your family.
At Boreal Therapy Collective, we help children, teens, families, and adults navigate various life stressors, including separation and divorce. We offer a variety of therapeutic services and integrate several modalities, including cognitive-behavioural therapy, dialectical behaviour therapy, and play-based therapy (which can be extremely valuable for younger children). If you’re not sure which approach is best for you or your children, your therapist will collaborate with you to address any concerns and provide optimal treatment recommendations.
Regardless of the nature of your separation or divorce, we know how hard this vulnerable time can be. We’d be honoured to provide you with safety and support.
If you’re ready to start therapy with us, you can book your initial assessment here.
