Validating Vs Enabling: How to React to Your Child's Concerning Behaviours
As a parent, you want to support your child and nurture them well. No matter your family circumstances, there's often a fierce desire to shield and protect your children from pain. Life, after all, is hard enough, and it makes sense to worry about their well-being.
That said, many parents find it hard to discern the line between supporting and enabling behaviours. Without intention and structure, you might actually reinforce problematic habits. This can negatively impact your relationship and increase tension within the home, leaving both you and your child feeling frustrated or misunderstood.
At Boreal Therapy Collective, we help parents approach this delicate balance with more confidence and empowerment. Validation and boundaries are not opposite - they mesh together, especially when your child is exhibiting behaviours that concern you.
Understanding Validation Vs Enabling Your Children
Validation communicates a sense of support and acknowledgment. When you validate someone, you convey that you understand why they're feeling upset, scared, angry, or whatever other emotion they're experiencing. When done well, validation shows that you care about the other person's experience, even if you don't inherently condone it.
It's known that healthy validation sets the foundation for meaningful relationships. In family dynamics, it also supports children in building their self-awareness and strengthening their emotional regulation. Over time, they learn that their emotions, even if they feel intense, aren't bad or dangerous. They also learn that they don't have to hide how they feel to be loved.
Enabling, on the other hand, happens when certain behaviours are reinforced. Enabling generally comes from a good place - parents love their children and fear harming them.
But these patterns can erode a sense of mutual respect, making it hard for children to thrive and challenging for parents to truly trust their kids.
Signs You May Be Enabling Your Child
Enabling comes in different forms, and some slight degree of enabling is often part of all human relationships. In mild cases, it's rarely problematic.
However, in the parent-child dynamic, it's important to be mindful of how quickly and insidiously enabling can snowball. Here are some enabling behaviours to be cautious of:
avoiding setting consequences because you fear the emotional reaction
constantly stepping in to "solve" your child's problems without letting them try first
making excuses for lying, aggression, or bullying without addressing the behaviour
allowing your child to avoid responsibilities (school, chores) without exploring the underlying issue
suppressing your own needs or boundaries to maintain a sense of peace
overly accommodating anxiety or mood swings without instilling emotional regulation skills
consistently justifying problematic concerns because your child is "going through a lot"
using bribes or external rewards to regulate your child’s emotions
Constant enabling stunts a child's growth. It can also reinforce themes of avoidance, dysregulation, or learned helplessness. While it may provide you with an initial sense of relief, it can quickly turn into you resenting your child or feeling like there's no choice but to "do things" for them.
How to Practice Validation Without Enabling
Cultivating a safe and supportive environment for your child is crucial for fostering their personal development. Emotional connection always matters. As a parent, you're one of the most important people to help your child feel heard, cared for, and nurtured.
Focus on your own regulation: Try to be aware of your own emotional reactions to your child. It's easy to respond from pure anger or fear. But the more grounded you can be in the face of difficult emotions, the more safety you exude. A calm presence sends the message that you are capable of handling their big feelings.
Acknowledge the emotion: Step into your child's perspective and note the feelings behind their actions. Aim to lead with empathy, even if you don't like the circumstances. You might say, "I get that you're really upset. I know this rule feels unfair to you." or, "I know you feel anxious about going to school today. Would you like to tell me more about it?”
Set clear boundaries: Validation communicates a care for another person's feelings. Boundaries create safety and structure. They convey that, while emotions are welcomed and embraced, they do not give your child full authority over how life is run. Healthy boundaries sound like, "I know you are anxious. We have to go to school each day. I will pick you up when the bell rings just like I always do." or, "I hear that you're mad at me. It's okay to be upset, but it's not okay to throw things. Let's find a different way to talk about what's going on right now."
Avoid taking full control: Although it's natural to want to jump in to protect your child, personal growth comes from a place of resilience. Children need ample practice with problem-solving, and they need to strengthen their sense of self-reliance to navigate life's inevitable challenges. Encourage collaborative brainstorming or simply ask your child, "What do you think is the best way to handle this problem?" Giving them space to participate in finding solutions helps build confidence.
Model healthy emotional expression: Let your child witness you naming emotions, expressing them appropriately, and taking accountability for your actions. For example, you might say, "I felt overwhelmed today, so I took a walk to calm down." Showing emotional transparency helps your child understand that emotional regulation is an essential part of daily life.
Family Therapy and Parent-Child Therapy
If you feel like you've reached an impasse with your child, or you're stuck in cycles of enabling, power struggles, or ongoing tension, it may be time to seek professional help. At Boreal Therapy Collective, our therapists provide guidance and support in helping families engage in effective communication with one another.
We specialize in child, teen, and family mental health. We help parents respond to their children with more clarity, address emotional and behavioural concerns, and improve overall conflict resolution. We would be honoured to help you foster more emotional intimacy within the home.
Please contact us today to book your initial assessment.
