Do You Need to Set Better Boundaries With Your Friends?
How do you generally feel when you’re spending time with your friends?
If you ever feel pressured, disrespected, or resentful, it may be a sign of a deeper, underlying issue. You may not have strong personal boundaries, and this might be seriously impacting your emotional well-being.
People often talk about boundaries in family systems or romantic relationships, but they don’t necessarily discuss the importance of having healthy limits in friendships.
Good friendships are essential for your mental health. Having a support system helps you feel connected, particularly during hard times. It also feels good to laugh and share great memories with people you love. But without healthy boundaries in place, you risk people taking advantage of you or spending too much time with the wrong people.
At Boreal Therapy Collective, our therapists understand the importance of setting healthy boundaries throughout the lifespan, from childhood, to the teenage years, to adulthood. Here are eight signs that you may need to reassess your relationship boundaries.
Signs of Poor Friendship Boundaries
Clear, emotional boundaries allow you to feel appropriately connected to others without sacrificing your values or feeling like you're overextending yourself. When you have a healthy relationship with someone, you balance considering both your needs and their needs, but you never compromise your integrity.
Here are some red flags indicating you should consider setting boundaries with friends:
You Always Say Yes
Do you ever find yourself just giving in to whatever your friends want to do, even if it goes against your own needs or wishes? Maybe you do this because you feel awkward saying no or you identify as a people-pleaser.
There's nothing wrong with valuing a friend's happiness. But you're also responsible for valuing your own happiness, and if you oblige to requests that make you feel uncomfortable, that becomes problematic.
You Don't Communicate Your Needs Clearly
Friendship is a two-way street, and a true friend will respect your needs and boundaries. However, nobody can read your mind! If you don't communicate your needs in a healthy way, other people need to guess what you want.
You Often Feel Hurt By Your Friends
Do you ever let people take advantage of you?
You're not alone. We often have this misconception that we need to sacrifice our own priorities to make other people comfortable or happy. But maybe you're starting to realize that you're spending time with people who are disrespectful.
If that's the case, it's time to reconsider what you're gaining from this relationship. An ideal friendship is built on mutual respect and clear communication. If those goals aren't being met, what are you hoping to achieve by spending time with this person?
You Gossip About One Another
A good friend should have your back and vice versa. If you can't really trust them, what's the point of having a real friendship? You always have to worry that whatever you tell them in confidence may be spilled to someone else.
Gossip may feel fun at the moment, but it's never a healthy behaviour. And that applies to you as well. If you're talking behind someone's back, what's the rationale? What's causing you to potentially sabotage a friendship?
You Don't Feel Like They Support You
Do you have any friends that seem to sabotage your success or thwart your personal goals? Do they get jealous when you get a good grade? Are they threatened by you having a romantic partner?
This may be a sign of a toxic friendship. You shouldn't feel guilty for succeeding or having a good life. And finally, if a friend continues crossing your emotional boundaries (even if you've made them clear), that's an obvious sign that they don't respect you.
You Dread Spending Time With Certain Friends
Think about a particular friend who makes you feel angry or upset. Why do you think you feel that way in your relationship with them? What behaviours are they doing (or not doing) that cause such a reaction for you?
People with strong boundaries recognize how other relationships impact their energy and happiness. If someone consistently irritates you, you may need to set either physical, emotional, or material boundaries with them.
You Feel Like They Just Want Something From You
Whether it's your money, time, or help with homework, certain friends may take advantage of your lack of boundaries for their own personal gain. And if they get away with it once, they're more inclined to repeat that behaviour again.
Ask yourself this: do things with the other person feel reciprocal? In other words, does the friendship feel like there's a mutual give-and-take? If it feels too one-sided, like your friend is always the one taking from you, that's a breeding ground for resentment.
You Are Frequently Passive-Aggressive or Aggressive
Do you give others silent treatment when you get upset? Do you sometimes send mixed messages about your needs when you spend time with friends? Do you ever become explosive or volatile?
It's true that being too passive likely means you need to set boundaries. But you don't want to be on the other end of the communication spectrum either. Being overly hostile also likely means you need to set healthy boundaries with others (and with yourself).
Consider what's preventing you from asserting your needs in a healthy way. Do you need more personal space? Do you feel like people really only listen to you when you become upset?
How Therapy Can Help With Setting Boundaries
Maintaining healthy boundaries is important in all relationships. And the earlier you practice setting boundaries, the more second nature it eventually becomes.
Remember that you have a right to honouring your own needs, and nobody will look after them as well as you can. Even though boundaries with friends may, at times, feel awkward, these limits allow you both to respect one another.
If boundaries are hard for you, you're certainly not alone. While we all value meaningful relationships, the idea of setting clear boundaries can seem overwhelming.
In addition, people often struggle with boundary-setting when they haven't had it modelled for them. For example, maybe you don't have many examples of healthy relationships. Perhaps your own family members struggle to set boundaries, and that's your definition of "normal." Or you might feel insecure and don't want to establish boundaries because you worry it will alienate you from your friends.
Boundary issues are normal, but it's so important to respect yourself. At Boreal Therapy Collective, we are here to help children, teens, and adults set healthy boundaries with friends and with other people in their lives.
If you’re ready to start therapy with us, you can book your initial assessment here.
